She Who Controls Her Inner Critic, Rules Her Future

There are no two-year-olds with an inner critic. For toddlers, each day is perfect, they are perfect, and life has no limits.

But as you grow older, something happens that installs the inner critic and gives it a voice. That “something” was a series of outer critics: parents chiding you for exploring too much, an older family member telling you, “Don't get too big for your britches,” or peers in school who rejected you for one reason or another. Though these admonishments have no place in your present life, you still hear a small voice reminding you of your past shortfalls and future failures. 

We all have a voice that constantly criticizes, belittles, and judges us. This voice has many names: inner critic, judge, saboteur, and the superego. Our inner critic can be a cruel and profoundly damaging force. Its strength and impact determine our overall mental well-being. It can talk you into not reaching for your dreams. This destructive voice in our heads is never satisfied and can soil and spoil anything we may achieve, no matter how impressive. It magnifies the negative, spreading discontent--and worse--in our lives.

Of course, you have met your inner critic and are well aware of its swift—often deadly—power. You get a compliment, and you immediately deflect it, because your inner critic whispers, They are just being polite. You have a chance to apply for a job or promotion, and within seconds of hearing about the position, your inner critic lists a litany of reasons why you are not qualified or won't get the job anyway. But this post will help you understand and learn how to master your inner critic.

Psychology of the Inner Critic

Before you can control your inner critic, you need to understand it better. Helene Brenner, psychologist, and creator of the My Inner Voice app, says several mechanisms in the brain generate inner speech.

"Inner speech is the product of the default mode network or DMN of the brain," Brenner said in an article for a media company, Well + Good. "It's a network of different areas of the brain that become very active, all together, when we're not engaged in doing anything task-oriented—when we're just thinking or daydreaming. But, it turns out, it never fully stops either—it just gets suppressed." 

According to an article in Valley magazine by Nizwanaf Risal, a 2018 study found that positive/supportive internal dialogue—your inner champion—can contribute to self-motivation, adaptive behavior, performance, judgment, and criticism. Other benefits include enhanced problem-solving, self-reflection, productivity, critical thinking skills, increased resilience against setbacks, and lower stress levels.

In contrast, critical inner voices negatively affect self-esteem and confidence. Moreover, they affect multiple aspects of our lives—relationships, performance in school, work, and mental health. Ethan Kross, Ph.D., the author of Chatter, writes, "Not only can our thoughts taint experience, but they can also blot out nearly everything else." He says that scientists found that inner experiences consistently dwarf the outer ones. For example, he says, "You are in a situation in which you should be happy, but a ruminative thought swallows your mind. Your mood is defined, not by what you did, but by your thoughts."

The Inner Critic and Racism

All of my clients are women of color already in the C-suite, and a form of the inner critic creeps around them all. Many people may call it imposter syndrome, but I believe it is one symptom of the damage done by the inner critic. According to the inner critic, no matter what you do, you're not qualified. You're not pretty enough. You're not tall enough. You're not smart enough. When you add racism to the mix—well, what happens ain’t pretty.

 The most vicious thing about racism is that, from the time you're born black, your parents begin telling you about limitations that will be imposed upon you. They feel compelled to warn you about how to behave “properly,” rather than freely. Corporal punishment was often the way to keep Black children in line, for fear of repercussions from white people. We would not release our children into the world without knowing the rules. Unfortunately, these are the potentially paralyzing social rules that deprive children of being children and initiate a pattern of limiting thoughts for Black adults.

 Recognizing When Your Inner Critic Is Talking

Your inner critic lurks around your brain all the time, waiting to sabotage your day. You need to understand when your inner critic is speaking to master it. Your inner critic is the collection of unfavorable beliefs about yourself that you absorbed as a very young person. Now, you ruminate about these negatives all the time, in a voice that sounds like your own. Most of the time, you believe that the inner critic is your responsible, sane, reasonable, and true voice.

You believe it when it tells you why your next career move won’t work. You harken back to the last time you tried this and failed. You remember the voice that said, “Don't get too big for your britches,” and you become your vulnerable child self again. Your stomach gets tight, your mood gets depressed, and you give up on your plans, or you move forward in fear. That's when you know the inner critic has been talking. If you have a thought that doesn't make you happy, fulfilled, or doesn't have a solution, it’s probably your inner critic. Your feelings can alert you when your inner critic is talking. You have the right and the ability to feel powerful and at peace with your life. With help and focus, you can manage the voice of your inner critic.

Self-Awareness: Your Intuition

Intuition is defined as the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. We all have a gut feeling that tells us when something is wrong. In many cases, that is our intuition. You can use your intuition to check in on your thoughts. For example, does this stream of thoughts make me feel good? There are a few things you can do to enhance your intuition:

·       Develop an awareness of your thoughts

·       Stop ruminating and doubting yourself after a mistake

·       Who says you are not good enough? Examine the evidence.

·       Replace overly critical thoughts with more accurate or aspirational statements

·       Consider how bad it would be if your thoughts were true. What would you do about it?

·       Balance acceptance with self-improvement

Building Your Inner Champion Arsenal

Step 1:
Accountability. An accountability partner is invaluable in your arsenal of tools to master your inner critic and power up your inner champion. An accountability partner is a person who coaches another to help them keep a commitment. The role of a coach is to ask powerful and sometimes painful questions to help you come to grips with what the inner critic is saying and find the absolute truth. Then, once the voice becomes clear, your coach will help you build a tool kit of methods specifically designed for you to fight the battles and win. The path to your highest, most confident you is right in front of you.

The inner critic will never go away, but you can build an effective arsenal to quiet it and often shut it up altogether. You will need building blocks of self-awareness, and tools that offer support in the quest. In the next blog, we will explore methods to build self-awareness and construct a tool kit.

If this sounds like you, let’s talk.
Free Consultation Scheduling Link: https://bit.ly/3uW1roq

 Next Blog: Step 2 Building Your Inner Critic Arsenal (October 18)

 Title tag: Master Your Inner Critic to Rule Your Future